Hour and a Half Bath

Happy late Thanksgiving everyone!

I tried something new this year... I cooked!
LOL
Actually, I was nominated to cook by my real dad. Which was perfectly okay with me because usually I go to my step-dad's mothers house and eat the same dried out shit with a bunch of boring people every year. So this year I cooked for my dad and his side of the family. We decided non-traditional was the best. So, shrimp scampi pasta and crab stuffed pastry rolls with fresh steamed broccoli was the plan. The pastries were dry but good, the pasta was super good and I seriously over cooked the broccoli. It was funny, the one thing I wasn't stressed about turned out horrible. But, it was soo cool to laugh and have fun with his side of my family. Very cool.

So... I've worked my ass off since then. Worked both jobs Friday, then all day yesterday and today. Decided to have myself a drinky poo and head to the bath tub. I'm reading Mystic River and decided to take it with me to the tub. I seriously ended up taking a super long bath, 1.5 hours to be exact. How funny is that! I got out and looked at the clock and just started to giggle like crazy. I guess I needed it. I have decided to read more often. It gets my mind of stuff flying around in my head. This week has been hard. Work and just missing that someone. YUCK! anyway, if I can pass an hour and a half with out thinking about anything but a book, then I'm there more often. I have two bookcases full of books that I'm going to either re-read or actually read. Try to ease my overflowing mind.

So, one little funny....
I saw an acquaintance of mine the other night who host sex parties as a business. I went right up to Candie (nice name I know!) and said "I need that rabbit thingy." "The one that cost like $65 or something." "Do you have it?" Of course she said. Then I told her that I hadn't had sex since March or so, she started laughing and said oh you mean the one that cost around $120 or so. LOL!!! I said oh yeah, the good one. She just looked at me like I was feigning for crack or something. It was so funny! She put her digits in my phone and said to call her. I don't know if I can justify spending $120 on a sex toy, but if it keeps me from one night stands or calling the ex to get back together... then so be it. Besides the one I have now, isn't that good. I get off best with penetration, and so I'm thinking that the dildo and the rabbit ears with help me feel comfortable enough to seriously get off as if I'm actually having sex. My dildo now just makes me hornier. sucks. I'm not very good at masturbating, but if this rabbit thing is as good as everyone says... maybe it will do the trick. We shall see....................

Oh, one more side note:
I'm seriously thinking about taking on a Charity. Any ideas?
By chance Saturday, I was thinking about picking a charity to devote time too over coffee in the morning, and I went to work and the very first person that came across was a Team Developer for the Relay for Life in town. Interesting. I'm going to do much more investigating into it. My grandmother died from Breast Cancer and maybe it will be a way to get some closure on missing out on having her around as I've grown up. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
Anyway, that's another side note.

Off to bed. I'm going to read more. LOL! Take care

botox reject

so
I was looking at my picture. and seriously?
my lips look freaky.
like too much botox or something.
is that even how you spell that word?
new picture coming soon.

oh, and I'm considering saving up for some plastic surgery next year.
things on the list:
1. boobs
2. Buddha
3. wings
4. back fat

this will all be after I reached my goal weight of course.
that's what my friend said, who has done plenty of it.
"get to the goal weight first and then do it."
it makes all the difference.

anyway, just another random day in my life
Oh wait,
I was actually attracted to a cute boy at the bar tonight who turned out to be married to my friend's sister. Nice, I know.
I've done it before. But not into it anymore.
shit,
the luck.
Night everyone.

When I started to date you, I lost my identity.
I started to become what I thought you wanted, an ideal of my perception.
I wanted to be....
the girl you flirted with at the bar.
I tried to be....
the health fanatic.
the perfect physique.
the girl that was okay with seeing you when only you wanted.
the girl that understood why your son and I hadn't got to know each other better when you said you loved me and we had dated for approx a year
I wanted to be...
the girl that really knew you
the girl that you really knew

I wasn't
I tried to be
but I wasn't
Why?

Why did I try?

Why did I try and worse,
want
to be something I'm not?

I've never been like that.

Why then?

Tuesday night

I don't understand why people smack their lips why they eat and eat with their mouths open?
first, your going to loose your food.
secondly, and to me most importantly... I don't want to fucking hear you eat? Why would I? It's gross and annoying.
Seriously,
grown people. didn't your mothers teach you how to be polite?

K, that's my post tonight
Tomorrow, I will talk about my fantastic spider bite that hurts like hell, and what the surgeon said. Appt. at 4pm. I'm scared they are going to cut it out, yuck. We shall see.

Confessions....

Ummmm, it's 7am and I'm still up. Guess what I'm doing............

I like it. A lot.

Always have.

My ex, who I ended up hanging with tonight suggested it. Interesting.

So we did, and now he's passed out in my bed and I'm awake typing to you all.
Cyber Space.
We've never done it together, and tonight was a surprise.
He brought it up, interesting again.
I told him he was taking me to my lowest level. and he was doing it on purpose.
He said no.
But I know whether he did it on purpose or not, I'm actually glad.
I'm tired of hiding that part of me. So what if on occasion I do it.
We did it all.
Talked a lot.
No crazy fucked up sex. Just hanging. It was good. LOL
not the stuff, but just hanging without the "oh let's have sex" thing
don't get me wrong, the shit was good, but ...............
very nice. high fives actually
No sex like I know all too well how it can be while your feeling the high.
Interesting........
that I wasn't feeling the sexual thing.
I actually haven't had sex since February. and it was with him. Funny!
or better yet, what's wrong with me?
why am I not horny?
seriously,
over all?
I was the other day for a sec..... then I masturbated, and didn't cum but was then done with it.
huh?
Now I'm drinking a dbl bourbon and sprite to try to come down.
smoking a menthol, I don't even smoke. C what this shit does to me? LOL
we did have some pretty good conversations.
sometimes I feel like no one understands me
one more cig, and then I'm done........
sorry for the mindless rambling. What? why am I sorry? I'm just talking out loud.
that is what this thing is all about.
why do I feel for that man snoring in my bed?

man, I'm going to have one hell of a smokers headache tomorrow. or today I mean.... LOL
I'm really not that spunky, LOOL
winding down
there are two men in my life which knew me
one is on the east coast
one here
not the ex, but someone who gets me
even if I had them, I don't know if it would be it...........
k,
sade has such a great soothing voice.
k
it's time for bed.............
thanks for listening
kisses and hugs

Sad songs and Bourbon

What does it say about a person that periodically feels the need to clean out their life?

Let me clarify...
clothes
jewelry
shoes

little pieces of meaningless paper....

I wish I could say emotions,
but no
seems like they keep sticking around...
fucking bourbon and sad songs.


And, every time I do the "big" clean out, I tell myself never again am I going to buy anything.

It is a very soothing feeling, though. Like starting new.

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, how many of you walk into a restaurant or bar 15 minutes before it closes?
Annoying! Don't do it. few exceptions... just one beer or one shot. That's it.

What part of "Last Call" don't people understand?
I mean really? We do it for a reason.

Hey weird traveler guy, I'm not going to give you a ride to the local bar, walk or get your drunk ass some beer at the convienece store a block and a half away and go to your room and watch porno all night. Sleaze ball.

Why don't you leave when the lights go up? HELLO???? We want to go home. We are tired of serving you "just one more" and dealing with you thinking your cool, when really ... you aren't.

Hours are posted for a reason. Adhere to them. Don't come early, and don't stay late.

Oh, and freaky green shirt newly divorced guy, stop staring at me like you are literally fucking or eating me out over the bar. Creep-a-zoid


Okay....
I think I've vented enough.
Can you tell that I had a bad night at work? LOL

On a lighter note....
My buddy Pat sent me an email last night. That was sooo cool. I haven't talked to him since I left HHI. He's just such a great guy. I hope all is going well with him. I miss him and that place a lot. I still have his number, I just might have to drunk dial him some night. Oh, his girlie friend might not like that. I'll make sure it's early enough, though.
Man... I miss that place.


Oh, little updates:
Last week I did a Spook Crawl. Basically we went around to a bunch of bars and drank something at each one. NO worries though, we rented a bus and had a sober driver. It was soo much fun. I hope to get pictures soon, and if they are good, I'll post them.

One of my jobs wants me to move to another city to be a 1st asst. mgr for another store. Not going to do it. Going to stay here, finish school and then move when I get my own store.

that's about it
oh, thinking about adding another job, which would make three. Yes, I'm crazy!

oh,
and interesting side note... man tells me not to move, just to hold out here for awhile. Now, more about man later... but very interesting. Very interesting.

K, kiddos... I'm off to bed. Sleep tight my fellow peeps.

Remember,
think twice about what you do at a restaurant or bar..................................

It's me again....

I know no one is reading this anymore, but that's okay. I thought it would be fun to start it back up. Vent a little. Try to be creative and witty, and just talk about nothing important. A few things have happend since I last posted.... LOL

1. took on another job.
2. only working three days at the stupid job I had before. can't give it up yet, the money is too good.
3. decided to go back to school. for what you ask? business. well, actually it's technical accounting. but it's supposed to be business something or other. I just wanted to stop working soo much at the first original job, and get a chance to learn something again. to feel a little alive again. in a sense. yes, I know I'm typing with no captial letters, feels so good. like I'm breaking rules or something. just kidding. I don't know why I am, but I am.

I'm going to try to be vigligant about posting. if for nothing else but venting. we shall see how it goes.... sleep tight

This is the most recent picture that I could find.
Still looking for a better one.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

NEW LOOK

hello everyone....
LMAO!
as if there is a lot of people out there checking this site out

as you can tell, I've changed my look a bit.
don't fret...
not sure if I like it yet. just experimenting

looking for a new picture
give me time

Okay

so what's up with this new Google stuff?

can we say
annoying?

I don't post enough to know if it's better or not, but I sure as hell hope so for you that do.
I had to remember my login and password again.
That sucked.
Crap... now I'm tired

Tolerate

Last night I went out with some friends that were in town just for the night. Rod and Don. Now, let me back up... I just know Rod and met Don for the first time last night. I met Rod through my work. I'm an assistant manager for a resturant/bar in town. We are located right next to a hotel. Needless to say, we get a lot of travelers in to eat drink and be merry. Well, Rod happened to be stuck in this little town for about 3 months because of his job. His "home-away-from-home" was the hotel across the parking lot. Rod came in at least 5 nights a week while he was here. Hey, we have great food, drinks and hell we are just plain cool people. So, of course we all got to know Rod pretty well. Great guy, smart guy and loads of fun. He is married and has two kids. Now, during the time he graced us with his pressence, home life wasn't looking so good. You'd only catch glimpses of it, he was pretty good about dealing with it on his own. I could get some out of him, sometimes when I was bartending and he was there and we were slow we would just get talking about stuff. Me and my boyfriend (now the ex) and him and his wife... blah blah blah. He had good insight and I was an ear for him. During this time I could see him struggling with cheating on his wife. Now, that sounds funny to say... but first I've been in this business way to long and secondly, we are right by a hotel. It is a very interesting spot to be at. A hotel bar (kinda) that is hugely popular with the townfolk also. We are quessentially the neighborhood great place to be at. Good food, good people and alcohol! Perfect! & with fresh faces all the time added to the mix. I've always been amazed at how close we get to the travelers. Most are here for a few days, weeks or months. We tend to become their second home. It feels good to us and to them. Many many return year after year and we all remember them or we remain in contact with them after they leave. Now, it is also fun to watch the different types of personalities that come in. You definitly see the married guys looking for a "good time". You see the young single ones looking to nail anything they can get their hands on. You see the ones that need acceptance. You see the ones that just need to be somewhere because they are lonely by themselves. You see the ones looking for a distraction. You also see the ones that are the nice average joe that just goes along with life. What I always find interesting and what always happens is that you can watch those nice average joes change before your eyes. Case in point... Rod. Now, I don't mean change into something else, what I mean is you can watch them loosen up and have fun. And, slowly they start to think about their life and where they are in it, and how they feel about it. Suddenly, they are having fun again. Meeting different people and doing something different. Breaking out of the everyday mold that they live in. They are stimulated. In Rods case, he started hanging out with us alot. After we would close down, we'd take him with us to the other bars and then sometimes he'd end up going to someones house for breakfast after a long night of drinking. I personally only went out with him and everyone else about 5 times. But, he hung out with my boss and her friends more than that. A girl can tell usually if someone is "interested" in them, and I honeslty felt that all I had to do, or my boss had to do is give him the go ahead. He started to let down his guard, and if a cute girl would come by while we were out, he'd make a comment or whatever. No big deal! We would all laugh, hell we were all "just the guys" hanging out. She (my boss) and I started to pick up that they (Rod and his wife) werent' doing so hot. Now, both of us have had an affair with a married or "taken" man before. By our choice. But, neither one of us wanted to "do that" with Rod. Rod was tall attractive smart and nice. Perfect, too perfect. I was very attracted to him, and so was she... but we were the good girls this time and decided that we weren't going to go there with him. He had never cheated on his wife before. We were not going to be the selfish people we knew we could be. Both of us had not been that type of person for a long time. We also knew all the shit that goes with an affair, the guilt... the shame... the lust... the paranoia... the anxiety.... the naughtiness... and so on. We didn't do it. I purposly kept myself from hanging out too much, and she ended up on his last night here telling him that he didn't want to do that. That he didn't want to live with that guilt the rest of his life. He agreed. Well, to make this hugely long story a little longer... Rod ended up coming back after about a month for a meeting yesterday and he brought his friend down so they could golf a bit and hand out with us. So, of course we all are still friends and he came to the bar to eat, drink and be merry while in town.

Okay, sooo I'm getting tired.... I'm going to finally get to my point of the story.

So after drinks at work, and then moving on to another bar... Rod asked me if me and (whats-his-name) are still together and I said no. He started to drill as of why, and I told him that we (meaning both Rod and I) knew (and had talked about) that we (ex and me) were not a true item. It wasn't ever meant to be. And I asked him about his relationship. He said that he was going to tolerate it. I said why? He said that if he divorced, it would cost him about 300,000.000. I said so the money matters more than your happiness?

now I'm not so stupid as to think that if I had to pay that amount of money to someone that it wouldn't make me freak out, choke, puke or make me want to shoot myself

But, I am an optimistic to a degree in thinking that "there just has to be a way" to make it all work out.

He said no. But that if he can tolerate it, than why not stay. I, of course, argued that he wasn't really happy. His soul wasn't happy. He was just going to be content. He said not content, but he was going to tolerate it. So I sat there a bit, and finally said to Don "it must just be my age". He said it was. See, the idea of tolerating something that isn't me or tolerating something that doesn't make me "soul" happy is something that I don't want to fatham. But, that is just my age and my quest for happiness. I realized that I tolerate a job I hate. I tolerate people that I don't particually like. I tolerate a town I don't like.

I really don't want to just Tolerate life. I want to live it, and love everything and everyone in it with all of me. Wonder if I'll ever find it.
Is it just my age that hopes for a rosy future? Am I blind?

time to change...

I was just looking over my blog, and damn it... it's a little stale.

So this week I have set a goal to post (of course) and to redo my picture and maybe change it up a bit. That is if I can figure out how to actually do that.

I'm also contemplating posting pictures of me in my process of trying to loose 10 more pounds. Not sure if I'm going to, but just an idea.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Ola!

Hello eveyone. That is assuming that people still come here to check out this blog. It's been quite awhile. I didn't realize it had been that long.

UPDATE:

I'm moved. LOL! It just took me months to do it. LOL. Love the new apt. It's really cute and quaint. I'll take pictures and post them soon.

I no longer have a boyfriend. I could post about it but, nah.... it's over. No need to go over it again and bore you wonderful people with all the BS. Let's just say, I should of known better. But, I did learn that I am ready to try to have a relationship with someone. Not that I'm going to be out there specifically looking, but I'm not going to avoid it either.

Work still sucks. I just need to decide what I want to do with my life regarding work. I just feel like time just keeps getting away from me.

So, that's the quickest update I could think of. I'm going to try to post often. Bare with me. Today is April 1st. A start of a new month and hopfully a start of a new dedication to me, myself and I.

OH... I am super excited. I heading to New Mexico to see my best friend that I haven't seen in years the end of May. I can't wait!!!! Wooo - Hoooo!!!!



OK - spell check isn't working. That sucks. So just know that I'm not as ignorant as my spelling capabilites might lead you to believe.

Moving again.... yes again!

I'm moving to a new apt this weekend.
Yeah!
So I don't know when my internet will be set up again.
Boo!
I won't have to pay rent.
Yeah!
But, I have to actually move.
Boo!
I've got to get motivated. More Coffee.
Yeah!

See you soon

Happy Monday!

We had a very snowy weekend. I took these pictures Saturday night, and on Sunday morning. It was the first real snow of the season. It has snowed before this year, but this was the first beautiful snow that fell for hours on end and put a hush on the world here. Saturday night when I got home, I just stood outside my apt and listened to how silent the night was. It was very neat. I really didn't do much this weekend. Worked mostly. Friday I fought with my boyfriend via text most of the day. I know, very stupid. Then we made up (sort of) later on that night, then instead of going home to bed (like I said), I decided to go see friends at another bar and have one more drink before I went home. When I left my boyfriend, I had every intention of going home, but on the way home I decided to have another drink. I was happy, I was in a great mood, we had made up! Needless to say, it looked like I lied to him when he tried to come by my house later on that night, and I wasn't home. He came out to the bar, and of course I was
having a total blast. He was a little miffed. He left. It was so weird, I felt like he was checking up on me. I've never had that happen. He said later, that he was coming to hang out, but when he got there, he just got irritated because he thought I lied about going home. Well, I can see where it would look like that, and putting myself in his shoes, I would of felt the same way. But, I'm not that type of person. I would never do that. Anyway, long story short.... he called at 8am to say we needed to talk. So, I cancelled lunch plans with Weed and called him back and said I was free after 11. Better late than never. He came over around lunch, and basically said he thought I lied and I said I didn't. And, then we started to talk about how many red flags we have already in our relationship. I said do we have enough red flags to show that we weren't meant to be together? Then we talked a bit more. Sometime in the conversation, he said, "we are just better being friends". I said okay. Because I know it's true. Then he left, no kiss no hug. Then, after he left he called back to ask me to lunch the next day. I said sure, I'd call him after I got off work. I thought it strange, aren't we supposed to be friends now? But, we can do lunch as friends. On the way to work, he called to tell me to be careful when I go to work, and to call him when I get home from work. Then I got a text talking about how horny this weather makes him and asked if I had any suggestions. Weird, once again, didn't he say we were better off as friends? I wanted to text back "get a girlfriend", but I just didn't reply. Sunday he calls, and just made misc small talk and I said I'd call him when I got off work. Then I got a text around 12, saying he cancelled lunch and asked for a rain check. I texted back "k". After work, I went home took a mini siesta and then went to my parents for supper. During my nap, he called and wanted to know what I was up to. I didn't call him back, I just turned off my phone. It's been off ever since. I just really don't want to talk to him. Not because I'm mad at him, but I just don't want to talk to him. I'm going to have to do the task of actually breaking up, I just am avoiding it. Ugh! Yuck! You know on Saturday when he said "we are better off just being friends" I felt such relief. Yeah! But, then after he left and I was just hanging out at my house I started to get sad and that confused me. Then, I started to think of him with another girl, and I got jealous.

These are the feelings that I don't like. The mixed up feelings you get that aren't what you normally feel. That's why I think it's easier to just stay single. I'm mad at myself for feeling them, because I don't really like this guy that much. The feelings just stem from my own insecurities. I don't like to be reminded that I have them. I do, and I have a lot of them. Yuck! Anyway, sorry to bore you all with my detail of the weekend, I was just talking it all out. I hope everyone else had a great weekend!

I got up at 5:30 this morning to do my yoga DVD before work, and I'm still sitting at the computer drinking coffee at 6:45. LOL, now I have to get ready for work.

Hey, but at least I said hi to you!

First time for everything...

Good Morning Everyone!

It's 16 outside, and I'm taking as long as possible to get to ready for work.
That's fricken cold.
So, I decided to post a little something.
Thursday night I had my first online masterbation session. It was hot! I was talking with a friend, and all the sudden I got sooo turned on. So, why not play? Of course they wanted to see, and I only thought about it for a split sec. Then, why not? Anyway, it was soo hot. I ended up having an orgasm twice. Whoo baby, that was awesome. My partner in this little experience was turned on, and of course I wanted to see too. He kept on holding off. (not fair!) But then, I became too focused on me and took care of things. When done, I was patiently waiting for my little peep show, when a friend texted me and wanted to come over to talk about issues in her life. Yuck! So of course I said okay, and kept my friend online until she showed up. Left him hanging when she finally showed up. Sorry Charlie! Beleive me it sucked for me too. Anyway, upon waking up the next morning, I felt a little wierd about my little show. I've never done anything like that before. I felt a mixture of exposure, wierdness and fear. Then, I thought about it, and got turned on again. LOL! Anyway, I know it's not a big deal. But, I can say I'm not sure if I would do it again. I felt very vulnerable the next day. I trust the other person with my peep show, but you just never know about people, things and circumstances out there in the world. I'm not worried about him, I trust him. I just feel vulnerable. You just never know about this internet thing. I know, I'm a paranoid freak! LOL!
Fuck,
it's 9:10. I've got to get ready for work.
Shit,
Now I'm really turned on.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

My spell check isn't working, so forgive me for any misspelled words. Too lazy to look them up in the dictionary.

Tonight

Tonight... I had every intention of posting about....

sex
a. anal
b. Satisfied, but not what wanted
c. not so good, left unsatisfied
d. Relaying what wanted and needed

(not necessarily in that order)

LOL

relationships
a. Why.
b. Needs
c. Understanding of

communication
a. Relationships
b. Work
c. Friends
d. Life

resolutions
a. Am i going to do it
b. What to chose to do
c. What can I really believe in

but, as I sat down at the puter,
tonight
my mind went blank.
These are the things I want to talk about, but when faced with it, I have no idea what to say.

Some day I will learn to speak well.
Some day,
I hope to be able to convey all my thoughts and feelings into coherent thoughts that others recognize as intellectual thoughts.
The way I feel inside

that others can understand!

Or maybe, they won't.
and then
I hope to not be worried about it.
It doesn't matter what others think, right...?